OK – today is my 16th wedding anniversary. Another date on the calendar to which a big significance is assigned – and also one of those days that we as widows get through – what other choice do we have?
As I have committed to myself in my head that I would put out a blog post once per week at the minimum, I was thinking back to my years of marriage – and ALMOST fell into the “what if” crap again…as you can imagine, that makes it pretty hard to come up with original thoughts in a blog, so I went back to something I wrote a year or so ago when some friends of mine were going through some tough times in their marriage, edited it a bit, and am submitting this as today’s post.
Keep in mind – I ain’t judging you. I have NO right to judge you. But I shall throw unsolicited advice at you – take it or don’t – but I hope at least it makes some folks think. Here goes….
No relationship is perfect. There is a profound statement, huh? It may have issues...the way he/she cleans/doesn't clean, changes diapers/doesn't change diapers, does whatever/doesn't whatever....little annoyances. Your relationship could be riddled with bigger issues...one of you could be cheating - either physically or emotionally. The recent economy woes may have you not seeing eye to eye on how to manage your shared financial life. Someone might be drinking too much. The list is endless. You know who you are, you know what your issues are, and it isn't for any of the others of us to judge. The rest of us may not even know there is trouble in paradise. You may seem like the "perfect couple" to those of us who don't live in your world.
However, one common thread in ALL of the above is that you are together, whether it be happily or unhappily. There was something that brought you together in the first place. Maybe it was (like with Dave and I in 1989) because they had a rocking collection of vinyl and some killer...um – “refreshments”. Maybe it was your shared love of bagpipe music or sushi or medieval catapult designs. Maybe it was your faith - a common bond over Jesus/Buddha/ [insert chosen deity here]. Whatever it was, it brought you together out of all of the billions of people in the world. Dig back to those common roots, no matter how material or spiritual they were. Then, ask yourself - are those things, and the things that you have created together since those first moments, i.e. memories, children, a house, a business, whatever - strong enough to keep you together now?
Here's another thought - not for the faint of heart. . . what if it all ended suddenly tomorrow - even later today? Would any of the issues that you are having in your relationship matter? And - by "ended" - i mean the BIG end. The FINAL end. An accident, a suicide, a death after a long disease? Would the relationship pitfalls you are experiencing still matter? Are they worth ending it, or if you knew that your time was unnaturally limited on this earth with that person - could you figure out a way to work through it?
Sorry to shock you. I am not saying that divorces and break-ups shouldn't ever happen. In many many MANY cases they SHOULD happen. I am also not saying that divorces and break-up's are not painful. I know enough of my friends and family members that have gone through them recently to know that their pain is real, as real as mine as a widow. We cannot compare levels of pain with each other as humans, because these emotions are so internal to ourselves. I would never say "my pain is worse/less than yours" because there is no WAY for me to know.
I guess I write this to appeal to those of you in this situation to just take a brief second to take a step back. Does your relationship have the strong foundation built over the years to withstand all of the other crap that has happened? Are the annoyances something that you can live with because your foundation is just that strong? If the foundation is there...try HARD to make it work. You owe it to yourselves. If it isn't there...and you know this in your heart...then don't waste time. Move on with life, whatever that shapes up to be.
Many of you may read this and think I have no idea WTF i am talking about, and you are probably right. I only type these words from my heart. There are so many things I would have done differently, had I known that my time with my husband was so damn short. We had a great life, but in retrospect, spent too much time "sweating the small stuff". Learn from my mistakes or don't - but at least do yourself and your relationship the honor of thinking about this stuff - because the End could be nearer than you think, and - God forbid - if it comes, you'll want to know that you did all you could to spend your limited time wisely.
No relationship is perfect. There is a profound statement, huh? It may have issues...the way he/she cleans/doesn't clean, changes diapers/doesn't change diapers, does whatever/doesn't whatever....little annoyances. Your relationship could be riddled with bigger issues...one of you could be cheating - either physically or emotionally. The recent economy woes may have you not seeing eye to eye on how to manage your shared financial life. Someone might be drinking too much. The list is endless. You know who you are, you know what your issues are, and it isn't for any of the others of us to judge. The rest of us may not even know there is trouble in paradise. You may seem like the "perfect couple" to those of us who don't live in your world.
However, one common thread in ALL of the above is that you are together, whether it be happily or unhappily. There was something that brought you together in the first place. Maybe it was (like with Dave and I in 1989) because they had a rocking collection of vinyl and some killer...um – “refreshments”. Maybe it was your shared love of bagpipe music or sushi or medieval catapult designs. Maybe it was your faith - a common bond over Jesus/Buddha/ [insert chosen deity here]. Whatever it was, it brought you together out of all of the billions of people in the world. Dig back to those common roots, no matter how material or spiritual they were. Then, ask yourself - are those things, and the things that you have created together since those first moments, i.e. memories, children, a house, a business, whatever - strong enough to keep you together now?
Here's another thought - not for the faint of heart. . . what if it all ended suddenly tomorrow - even later today? Would any of the issues that you are having in your relationship matter? And - by "ended" - i mean the BIG end. The FINAL end. An accident, a suicide, a death after a long disease? Would the relationship pitfalls you are experiencing still matter? Are they worth ending it, or if you knew that your time was unnaturally limited on this earth with that person - could you figure out a way to work through it?
Sorry to shock you. I am not saying that divorces and break-ups shouldn't ever happen. In many many MANY cases they SHOULD happen. I am also not saying that divorces and break-up's are not painful. I know enough of my friends and family members that have gone through them recently to know that their pain is real, as real as mine as a widow. We cannot compare levels of pain with each other as humans, because these emotions are so internal to ourselves. I would never say "my pain is worse/less than yours" because there is no WAY for me to know.
I guess I write this to appeal to those of you in this situation to just take a brief second to take a step back. Does your relationship have the strong foundation built over the years to withstand all of the other crap that has happened? Are the annoyances something that you can live with because your foundation is just that strong? If the foundation is there...try HARD to make it work. You owe it to yourselves. If it isn't there...and you know this in your heart...then don't waste time. Move on with life, whatever that shapes up to be.
Many of you may read this and think I have no idea WTF i am talking about, and you are probably right. I only type these words from my heart. There are so many things I would have done differently, had I known that my time with my husband was so damn short. We had a great life, but in retrospect, spent too much time "sweating the small stuff". Learn from my mistakes or don't - but at least do yourself and your relationship the honor of thinking about this stuff - because the End could be nearer than you think, and - God forbid - if it comes, you'll want to know that you did all you could to spend your limited time wisely.
1 comment:
I really liked your blog Claudine, and if everyone thought that way, society would be a lot healthier, kids would be a lot happier, and it would be a continuous snowball effect of happiness for future generations. Speaking for myself and my marriage, Mark and I have had all the disagreements that most other couple have, and at times I could cheerfully push him off a cliff. A good marriage is a lot of work and compromise, and in a marriage where there is children, those efforts are doubly important. If Mark ever left us in death, I've already committed myself to being a single mom for the rest of my life. I would never, ever bring a man into my life as a husband, who was not the father of my kids. The type of man that can enter a marriage with a woman who already has another man's kids, and allow her to always put her childrens needs first, is extremely rare. It's different once they are grown, and have had a childhood of the one on one love they need from a parent, as adults they are then equipped with what they need to be loving, responsible people themselves. I speak from personal, painful experience of what life is like when you lose a father as a child, and then quickly have to accept a strange, narcissistic man in a father role. That is not to say that I would not have male companionship, or date occasionally, but that's all it would ever be while my children are children. They will always be first and foremost in my heart, should I not have Mark.
Dave will always be there in your hearts, and you are doing a fantastic job as a mom in insuring that your girls always remember him.
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