This wouldn’t be a proper widow’s blog without addressing the stages of the grief that we all feel when losing a loved one. In case you haven’t yet done obsessive Google searches for “grieving”, “grief”, “coping with grief”, “am I losing my flipping mind”, or the ever popular “WTF is wrong with me”, allow me to introduce you to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross – who was the one who put the definitions to the different whacked out trips that our mind takes when life pulls the proverbial rug out from under our feet…
Ms. Kubler-Ross, best known for her book On Death and Dying, which came out in 1969, was a Psychiatrist and author who, when working for a mental hospital, became focused on the treatment and care of the dying in the 60s, as well as assisting their families. While she got a little freaky in her later career (look it up – her name plus Jay Barham, a medium who thought sex with “spirits” was kinda nifty), she is credited with some awesome achievements, from being awarded with numerous honorary doctorates for her work with Hospice patients to her most famous contribution, the Kubler-Ross Grief Stages Model.
Admittedly, when I first heard the words “Grief Stages Model", my eyes began to roll…I was harkened back to Grad School where the academia slapped every business situation into a pretty little model - showing their ignorance of how shit went down in the real world. But, being pretty deep in what I thought was a path I was headed down leading towards losing what was left of my mind, I started to dig into it.
One thing that I noticed right off is that discussions of the model account for the general wackiness of grief – in other words, it doesn’t say “from days 1-5 you will be in shock, days 6-30 you will be a raving lunatic bouncing off the walls and talking to the butterflies in your bathroom wallpaper…” but instead says pretty much up front that the stages aren’t progressive – you may hit all five stages in one day – hell, in my case, I think I hit them all within a five minutes span sometimes, wash, rinse, and repeat. So, given that somewhat sensical approach to the nonsense gymnastics my emotions were doing, I kept reading. Allow me to share the stages with you, and also give you my own spin…
Shock/Denial – “a temporary defense that gives us time to absorb news of change before moving on to other stages. It is the initial stage of numbness and shock. We don't want to believe that the change is happening. If we can pretend that the change is not happening, if we keep it at a distance, then maybe it will all go away.”
To me, this one didn’t last too long…it hit immediately, of course, when the coroner showed up at my door asking “are you the wife of David Mears?” I didn’t deny being his wife, of course, but I knew what was coming next and I recall my brain hopping through various scenarios of how the coroner was wrong – it wasn’t my husband, he was still out there riding his bike, he would be home soon, he wouldn’t have left us, etc. But let’s face it - when you have three kids that you have to deliver the news to at some point, denial isn’t much of an option.
Anger – “When we realize that the change is real and will affect us our denial usually turns to anger. Now we get angry and look to blame someone or something else for making this happen to us.”
Yeah, this one doesn’t go away –it might occur less frequently, and you start to be able to cope with it and realize it is fruitless, but it is always there bubbling at the surface like a pot of cooking pasta that you have turned up too high. I get so pissed at Dave sometimes I find myself talking to him and oftentimes yelling at him – “why the hell did you leave when you did? Why did you have to have a motorcycle NOW instead of like we planned – after retirement? Why did you pass your stubbornness [yes, it is HIS, not MINE] on to Middle Child in such high doses?” The stupidest crap triggers it, too…like when the toilet gets clogged and I find myself fighting the battle with plunging versus having poop spill over the edge and onto the floor and he isn’t around to take over, or I have to make decisions about which washing machine to replace the one that died as a result of Legos getting jammed in the agitator and blowing up the engine – I get PISSED that I am on my own.
Bargaining – “The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control, i.e. If only we had sought medical attention sooner, If only we got a second opinion from another doctor, If only we had tried to be a better person toward them.”
Ah yes, the “if only” phrase: probably the most useless phrase that ever comes out of a widow’s mouth – but an inevitable one nonetheless. (I don’t say that to be condescending, I have said it myself a blue billion times.) If only I had argued harder with him about getting the bike, if only we didn’t bicker about money, yadda yadda…but think about it – what the hell does an “if only” scenario do other than to torture you? You can’t change what has happened, you can’t go back – you can only learn and adjust how you move forward through the New Normal. If I find myself going down that path, I stop, proverbially hit myself upside the head and move on. It just isn’t worth the pain, self-torture, and anxiety to which it leads.
Depression – “Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell.”
This is probably the most obvious one to me. Almost the point of, “ummm, DUH. Damn skippy I am depressed!” This one is absolutely brutal in the first days, weeks, months, hell – years after Loss. You WILL battle with it – all the damn time. You have to find the way that works for you the best to deal with it…to me, it was the elimination of “drama” in my life (well, other than the inherent drama that is a direct result of raising three female offspring), throwing myself in various home projects, writing in a personal journal (the predecessor to what you are reading here), and just focusing on raising my three kids and keeping them healthy, both mentally and physically. For you – it may be something different, knitting, volunteer activities, exercise, etc – just make sure that what you “throw” yourself into isn’t detrimental to your own health. If you feel like crap all the time physically, your mental state is gonna suck ass as well.
Acceptance – “It is not a happy space, but rather a resigned attitude towards the change, and a sense that they must get on with it. For the first time people might start considering their options. I think it's a bit like a train heading into a tunnel. ‘I don't know what's in there, I have to keep going on this track, I'm scared but have no option, I hope there's light at the end.’ This can be a creative space as it forces people to explore and look for new possibilities. People tell me that they learn lots about themselves, and it's always good to acknowledge the bravery that acceptance takes.”
This one is kind of a step you hit when you realize that you gotta move on. It might come in a few months, it might take longer. When it does come, the other stages don’t magically disappear, either – they are always there, bubbling beneath the surface, just maybe less often. To me the acceptance stage came after many many long conversations with a close friend who was also grieving the loss of his friend, my husband, and him helping me pull myself up by the bootstraps and plug on. Like I’ve said here before – you are in this situation, you didn’t choose it, but it is what it is, you have to figure out how you are going to readjust your life to the crap you’ve been dealt. No one can do that but you.
It is vital that you think about the choices you are going to make before you spring into action, because you have this bubble around you that is filled with all five of the grief stages and the crazy emotional whirlwind that comes along with it, and you will want to assure that you make the right choices for the right reasons – because ultimately, you have to live with those choices. Know the stages by heart – it will go a long way towards understanding what is going on inside your head – towards learning who you are now, what is going on inside your children’s heads, and it will make a world of difference in your outlook on the future.
Most importantly – cut yourself some slack. You’re gonna screw up on occasion. We all do – sometimes you will screw up royally, shit happens. Just use those moments of stupidity as a tool to help you take a step back and readjust how you will deal with the next steps.
Thanks Dr. Kubler-Ross for putting some sense to the nonsense.
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