Relationship Issues from a Widow's POV

OK – today is my 16^th wedding anniversary.  Another date on the calendar to which a big significance is assigned – and also one of those days that we as widows get through – what other choice do we have?  

As I have committed to myself in my head that I would put out a blog post once per week at the minimum, I was thinking back to my years of marriage – and ALMOST fell into the “what if” crap again…as you can imagine, that makes it pretty hard to come up with original thoughts in a blog, so I went back to something I wrote a year or so ago when some friends of mine were going through some tough times in their marriage, edited it a bit, and am submitting this as today’s post.  

Keep in mind – I ain’t judging you.  I have NO right to judge you.  But I shall throw unsolicited advice at you – take it or don’t – but I hope at least it makes some folks think.  Here goes….

No relationship is perfect. There is a profound statement, huh? It may have issues...the way he/she cleans/doesn't clean, changes diapers/doesn't change diapers, does whatever/doesn't whatever....little annoyances. Your relationship could be riddled with bigger issues...one of you could be cheating - either physically or emotionally. The recent economy woes may have you not seeing eye to eye on how to manage your shared financial life.  Someone might be drinking too much.  The list is endless.  You know who you are, you know what your issues are, and it isn't for any of the others of us to judge. The rest of us may not even know there is trouble in paradise. You may seem like the "perfect couple" to those of us who don't live in your world.

However, one common thread in ALL of the above is that you are together, whether it be happily or unhappily. There was something that brought you together in the first place. Maybe it was (like with Dave and I in 1989) because they had a rocking collection of vinyl and some killer...um – “refreshments”. Maybe it was your shared love of bagpipe music or sushi or medieval catapult designs. Maybe it was your faith - a common bond over Jesus/Buddha/ [insert chosen deity here]. Whatever it was, it brought you together out of all of the billions of people in the world. Dig back to those common roots, no matter how material or spiritual they were. Then, ask yourself - are those things, and the things that you have created together since those first moments, i.e. memories, children, a house, a business, whatever - strong enough to keep you together now?

Here's another thought - not for the faint of heart. . . what if it all ended suddenly tomorrow - even later today? Would any of the issues that you are having in your relationship matter? And - by "ended" - i mean the BIG end. The FINAL end. An accident, a suicide, a death after a long disease? Would the relationship pitfalls you are experiencing still matter?  Are they worth ending it, or if you knew that your time was unnaturally limited on this earth with that person - could you figure out a way to work through it?

Sorry to shock you. I am not saying that divorces and break-ups shouldn't ever happen. In many many MANY cases they SHOULD happen. I am also not saying that divorces and break-up's are not painful. I know enough of my friends and family members that have gone through them recently to know that their pain is real, as real as mine as a widow. We cannot compare levels of pain with each other as humans, because these emotions are so internal to ourselves. I would never say "my pain is worse/less than yours" because there is no WAY for me to know.

I guess I write this to appeal to those of you in this situation to just take a brief second to take a step back. Does your relationship have the strong foundation built over the years to withstand all of the other crap that has happened? Are the annoyances something that you can live with because your foundation is just that strong? If the foundation is there...try HARD to make it work. You owe it to yourselves. If it isn't there...and you know this in your heart...then don't waste time. Move on with life, whatever that shapes up to be.

Many of you may read this and think I have no idea WTF i am talking about, and you are probably right. I only type these words from my heart. There are so many things I would have done differently, had I known that my time with my husband was so damn short. We had a great life, but in retrospect, spent too much time "sweating the small stuff". Learn from my mistakes or don't - but at least do yourself and your relationship the honor of thinking about this stuff - because the End could be nearer than you think, and - God forbid - if it comes, you'll want to know that you did all you could to spend your limited time wisely.

My Take on the Stages of Grief

This wouldn’t be a proper widow’s blog without addressing the stages of the grief that we all feel when losing a loved one.  In case you haven’t yet done obsessive Google searches for “grieving”, “grief”, “coping with grief”, “am I losing my flipping mind”, or the ever popular “WTF is wrong with me”, allow me to introduce you to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross – who was the one who put the definitions to the different whacked out trips that our mind takes when life pulls the proverbial rug out from under our feet…

Ms. Kubler-Ross, best known for her book On Death and Dying, which came out in 1969, was a Psychiatrist and author who, when working for a mental hospital, became focused on the treatment and care of the dying in the 60s, as well as assisting their families.  While she got a little freaky in her later career (look it up – her name plus Jay Barham, a medium who thought sex with “spirits” was kinda nifty), she is credited with some awesome achievements, from being awarded with numerous honorary doctorates for her work with Hospice patients to her most famous contribution, the Kubler-Ross Grief Stages Model.

Admittedly, when I first heard the words “Grief Stages Model", my eyes began to roll…I was harkened back to Grad School where the academia slapped every business situation into a pretty little model  - showing their ignorance of how shit went down in the real world.  But, being pretty deep in what I thought was a path I was headed down leading towards losing what was left of my mind, I started to dig into it.

One thing that I noticed right off is that discussions of the model account for the general wackiness of grief – in other words, it doesn’t say “from days 1-5 you will be in shock, days 6-30 you will be a raving lunatic bouncing off the walls and talking to the butterflies in your bathroom wallpaper…” but instead says pretty much up front that the stages aren’t progressive – you may hit all five stages in one day – hell, in my case, I think I hit them all within a five minutes span sometimes, wash, rinse, and repeat.  So, given that somewhat sensical approach to the nonsense gymnastics my emotions were doing, I kept reading.  Allow me to share the stages with you, and also give you my own spin…

Shock/Denial – “a temporary defense that gives us time to absorb news of change before moving on to other stages. It is the initial stage of numbness and shock. We don't want to believe that the change is happening. If we can pretend that the change is not happening, if we keep it at a distance, then maybe it will all go away.”

To me, this one didn’t last too long…it hit immediately, of course, when the coroner showed up at my door asking “are you the wife of David Mears?”  I didn’t deny being his wife, of course, but I knew what was coming next and I recall my brain hopping through various scenarios of how the coroner was wrong – it wasn’t my husband, he was still out there riding his bike, he would be home soon, he wouldn’t have left us, etc.  But let’s face it - when you have three kids that you have to deliver the news to at some point, denial isn’t much of an option.

Anger – “When we realize that the change is real and will affect us our denial usually turns to anger. Now we get angry and look to blame someone or something else for making this happen to us.”

Yeah, this one doesn’t go away –it might occur less frequently, and you start to be able to cope with it and realize it is fruitless, but it is always there bubbling at the surface like a pot of cooking pasta that you have turned up too high.  I get so pissed at Dave sometimes I find myself talking to him and oftentimes yelling at him – “why the hell did you leave when you did?  Why did you have to have a motorcycle NOW instead of like we planned – after retirement?  Why did you pass your stubbornness [yes, it is HIS, not MINE] on to Middle Child in such high doses?”  The stupidest crap triggers it, too…like when the toilet gets clogged and I find myself fighting the battle with plunging versus having poop spill over the edge and onto the floor and he isn’t around to take over, or I have to make decisions about which washing machine to replace the one that died as a result of Legos getting jammed in the agitator and blowing up the engine – I get PISSED that I am on my own.

Bargaining – “The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control, i.e. If only we had sought medical attention sooner, If only we got a second opinion from another doctor, If only we had tried to be a better person toward them.”

Ah yes, the “if only” phrase: probably the most useless phrase that ever comes out of a widow’s mouth – but an inevitable one nonetheless.  (I don’t say that to be condescending, I have said it myself a blue billion times.)  If only I had argued harder with him about getting the bike, if only we didn’t bicker about money, yadda yadda…but think about it – what the hell does an “if only” scenario do other than to torture you?  You can’t change what has happened, you can’t go back – you can only learn and adjust how you move forward through the New Normal.  If I find myself going down that path, I stop, proverbially hit myself upside the head and move on. It just isn’t worth the pain, self-torture, and anxiety to which it leads.

Depression – “Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell.”

This is probably the most obvious one to me.  Almost the point of, “ummm, DUH.  Damn skippy I am depressed!”  This one is absolutely brutal in the first days, weeks, months, hell – years after Loss.  You WILL battle with it – all the damn time.  You have to find the way that works for you the best to deal with it…to me, it was the elimination of “drama” in my life (well, other than the inherent drama that is a direct result of raising three female offspring), throwing myself in various home projects, writing in a personal journal (the predecessor to what you are reading here), and just focusing on raising my three kids and keeping them healthy, both mentally and physically. For you – it may be something different, knitting, volunteer activities, exercise, etc – just make sure that what you “throw” yourself into isn’t detrimental to your own health. If you feel like crap all the time physically, your mental state is gonna suck ass as well.

Acceptance – “It is not a happy space, but rather a resigned attitude towards the change, and a sense that they must get on with it. For the first time people might start considering their options. I think it's a bit like a train heading into a tunnel. ‘I don't know what's in there, I have to keep going on this track, I'm scared but have no option, I hope there's light at the end.’  This can be a creative space as it forces people to explore and look for new possibilities. People tell me that they learn lots about themselves, and it's always good to acknowledge the bravery that acceptance takes.”

This one is kind of a step you hit when you realize that you gotta move on.  It might come in a few months, it might take longer.  When it does come, the other stages don’t magically disappear, either – they are always there, bubbling beneath the surface, just maybe less often.  To me the acceptance stage came after many many long conversations with a close friend who was also grieving the loss of his friend, my husband, and him helping me pull myself up by the bootstraps and plug on.  Like I’ve said here before – you are in this situation, you didn’t choose it, but it is what it is, you have to figure out how you are going to readjust your life to the crap you’ve been dealt.  No one can do that but you.  

It is vital that you think about the choices you are going to make before you spring into action, because you have this bubble around you that is filled with all five of the grief stages and the crazy emotional whirlwind that comes along with it, and you will want to assure that you make the right choices for the right reasons – because ultimately, you have to live with those choices.  Know the stages by heart – it will go a long way towards understanding what is going on inside your head – towards learning who you are now, what is going on inside your children’s heads, and it will make a world of difference in your outlook on the future. 

Most importantly – cut yourself some slack.  You’re gonna screw up on occasion.  We all do – sometimes you will screw up royally, shit happens.  Just use those moments of stupidity as a tool to help you take a step back and readjust how you will deal with the next steps.  

Thanks Dr. Kubler-Ross for putting some sense to the nonsense.

Evolution of Reflection on 9/11

I think you will find as you read through my posts that I tend to bounce back and forth between somewhat serious posts to what i hope you find as humorous posts.  I think this is pretty much reflective of a Widow's emotions - you laugh, you cry, you get pissed, then you cry and laugh again.  It is all a part of dealing with that New Normal and facing every day's new challenges - because you WILL find a new one almost daily, sometimes huge ones like dealing with insurance, estates, etc - or the little ones that send you over the edge like being at the doctor's office and staring endlessly at the line for "emergency contact" and wondering what the hell you are supposed to put on that line now...

But I digress...

It’s been ten years, so everyone has “changed” in some way since 9/11…jobs, houses, had kids, etc…and there is no doubt that we were ALL impacted by that day, if you weren’t, you were in a coma.  One of the things I have come to realize this week while thinking about the impending anniversary is how my experiences have shaped the way I see the anniversary each year, what I think about, how I feel, what I focus on…  

I was pregnant with my first daughter that day – she was due on Christmas Eve.  I can remember when Dave and  finally got home that night, we laid in bed watching the coverage…everyone was still trying to figure out who did this, why it happened, the extent of the loss…and all I could think about was my unborn child.  What kind of world were we bringing her into?  Were we about to embark on some major global war that would mean she had no future?  With the eyes of a future mom, I watched the events unfold.  I viewed the faces of the lost on 9/11 feeling such a deep sadness and anger that at times it was – I thought – the worst feeling one could experience.

Life progressed on for us, our daughter was born.  Dave was in a job he wasn't too happy with, was about to finish up his MBA, and was unsure as to what it was that he wanted to do next.  When the planes hit the towers and the Pentagon, he began to think about the military.  I believe he had a burning desire to do "something", as the attack on our country had chilled him to the core (as it did for most of us).  His desire for a solid career path could also be fulfilled by the military, so it was all a perfect fit.  Several months later, he was off to Basic Training, and went on to become an Officer (2nd Lieutenant) in the years to come. As a result, I viewed 9/11 not only through the eyes of a mother, but through the eyes of a soldier’s (and later, an officer’s) wife.  My sadness and uncertainty about the future was replaced somewhat by the fierce pride I felt that my husband and other men and women like him were defending our country.  I viewed the faces of the lost on 9/11 feeling that I could say that they were not forgotten, that I knew someone personally who was determined to fight for them.

In 2008, life again took a turn.  We had our beautiful little family; Dave had a successful military path in front of him, and a great civilian career as well.  But then he was taken from us on 7/5.  I became a widow.  My children lost their father.  My feelings when thinking about 9/11 have again morphed.  I now look into the faces of those lost and think of the ones they left behind.  Of course, I thought of that “before”, but not with the intense scrutiny I do now.  I view the faces of those lost on 9/11 and I see the widows, the widowers, the significant others, the children, the parents…all of those people that had to find that New Normal.  

Why do I write this?  Because I want people to think, and view their world from others’ eyes.  I want people to stop on 9/11/11 and reflect.  Pray for those who were lost, those who were left behind, and those who fight the fight to assure nothing like this happens again.  Think about how you have grown and perhaps changed in the last ten years.  But don’t stop there. Take the day to do something with those close to you, show how you appreciate them.  Share your "where you were" stories with your kids (just like our parents did about when Kennedy was shot, etc.)  Because no matter what the cause – terrorist attack, motorcycle wreck, cancer, heart attack, or just old age…we ain’t here forever, people.  Make every second count.