Planning to Not Plan: Chillaxing in the New Normal

As a widow, you will find that your brain goes into overdrive more often than not.  You don’t have that other person there with you to assist in picking up your slack, reminding you to do that thing you were supposed to do, or even to pawn off unwanted tasks to along with all the other obvious crappy things about losing your partner.  Obviously, it creates a lot of stress.  Stress which you do NOT need, on top of the sadness, anger, and general angst inherent in the situation…So – I have found that the only choice is to adapt my outlook to reduce stress at all costs, which sometimes takes a hell of a lot of planning, but also means that you have to minimize the things for which you have to have a master plan.  I have always been a “planner”, even before my husband died.  With the New Normal, the WAY I planned has changed a buttload though since his death.  

For instance – before Dave died (in my head I say, “BDD” – Before Dave’s Death – and yes, it is capitalized, get over it), I would have a master plan of the week ahead…work Monday through Friday, then on the weekend, we would be doing X, Y, and Z activities – all at certain times, all at certain places, and there would be no straying from those plans.  Now, to be honest, part of that obsessive planning was his fault (sorry – you’ll just have to take my word for it) – he liked to know what he was doing when, and to stick with a schedule.  I guess that had a lot to do with his military background, and marrying that with my project management background and sheer control freak ways – led to my insanely obsessive planning.

Well – guess what happened next…you got it – the ULTIMATE in unplanned for events – my spouse’s death.  Yeah, you plan for it sorta when you are in your late 30s…like having life insurance, AD&D insurance (that is accidental death and dismemberment for those of you who don’t know, because apparently the loss of a limb sucks badly too in the eyes of the insurance companies – at a lower pay-out, of course).  But you don’t REALLY sit down and “plan” what you would do if your spouse dies.  There isn’t a Plan B – you don’t say in your head, “ok, we are going to go to the mall this weekend to get the kids some shoes because they grew out of the ones I bought them last week –BUT if one of us dies before Saturday – here’s Plan B.”  So, as a result, my obsessive planning has changed.

Since Dave died, I always have a plan B…and have taught my kids the same.  It isn’t to the extent of planning every event with the caveat of “yeah, we will do this activity, but if someone dies, we’ll do this other thing instead” but I try to assure that there is an alternative to accommodate any last minute crap that comes up – a kid gets sick, a dog has diarrhea all over the den carpet, it rains, Saturn isn’t aligned with the moon, etc…But it is the nature of my Plan B that has changed greatly…I am a much more relaxed, chilled out obsessive control freak these days…allow me to explain.

I learned this approach from a dear friend…he is the polar opposite of me when it comes to planning things – as in he usually DOESN’T.  I admire - to the point of envy - his ability to approach the weekend with no game plan other than playing things by ear – but my crazed psyche just won’t let me get to that extent…so instead, I settled in comfortably somewhere in between his philosophy and mine:  I often have a “Plan A” – but I don’t hammer it in stone like I used to – because my Plan B is often, “we will sit on the couch and watch movies and be available (maybe) if someone else comes up with something more exciting to do”…because sometimes you wake up in the morning thinking the couch (or the back porch, or the kitchen, or the recliner) is exactly where you want to be – not out in the world where there are people that aren’t your inner circle, or “things” that don’t belong to you that you have no desire to be around. And sometimes Plan A is to NOT have a Plan A!

Think about it – during the week we have all those stinkin’ things that we HAVE to do – go to school, go to work, fix dinner, breakfast, lunches, snacks – and most of it is on a schedule.  Why the hell add that same stress to the weekends?  Why not PLAN to do nothing?  What a novel flipping concept – plan to chill the hell out, turn your brain off after it has been going full speed for 5 days straight!  I have found that one of the keys to keeping my sanity these days is to learn the art of relaxation – and being content with relaxation instead of being guilty that I don’t have some activity planned for every minute of every day.  I am hoping that my kids pick up on it and learn to appreciate the fine art of chillaxing – and don’t end up like stressed out Wall Street execs someday.

Being a widow is not easy, your sanity is oftentimes right on the edge of looking like that blankie that your 9 year old has been toting around since she was small enough to be swaddled in it, so don’t put the added pressure on it.  Relax.  It is okay to say no.  It is okay to have a day just being in you comfort zone, cuddling with your kids on the couch – and don’t let anyone tell you differently.  Breathe.