PTSC

Everyone has heard of post-traumatic stress disorder for the most part....it is defined as "A condition of persistent mental and emotional stress occurring as a result of injury or severe psychological shock, typically involving disturbance of sleep and constant vivid recall of the experience, with dulled responses to others and to the outside world" in the Google dictionary, and has been oft-studied as it pertains to rape victims, soldiers returning from war, etc. 

When a widow first starts Googling all of the crazy things that she feels after she loses her spouse, this term comes up quite a bit.  Most sources apply it as "a KIND of PTSD", not fully assigning it to a widow - leaving us with the feeling of, "okay, I am not as bad off as I thought", but I have also seen many widows turn from the diagnosis since it doesn't fully apply to them, and perhaps missing out on some of the helpful coping techniques that come along with such a diagnosis.  So - I propose an alternate form of this diagnosis, specific to widows:  PTSC, or “Post Traumatic Stress CRAP".  (Healthy disclaimer here – I am not a doctor, don’t want to be, and my comments below in no way should replace you seeking help if you feel you need it.  It is my feeble attempt to let you know that you ain’t alone in this, sister.)

You have had trauma.  Check.  You are post the trauma (unless you live in some kind of time warp, and if that is the case - please email me, I wanna check that shit out) – check.  There is definitely stress (hell, I got stressed out trying to figure out which black tee shirt I was going to wear this morning, wanted one that made my boobs look nice) - check.  But is it a disorder?  Personally, I don't like disorder.  Not in my day to day life, and certainly not to be diagnosed with one.  What is it then?  Well, just crap.  PTSC from here on out.

What are the symptoms of PTSC?  Let me take a shot at it:

1)      You have nightmares.  Not the cool ones where you are a vampire and zombies are chasing you and you end up naked getting fed on by werewolves (oh wait, is that just me?) but instead the ones where you are either a) with your deceased spouse and having fun then all of the sudden he disappears and you are alone, or b) you are with your kids and having fun then all of the sudden they disappear (not the good kind of kid disappearing either), or c) a combination of a and b inserting any loved one, friend, family member, cherished pet or the like in the “spouse” and “kid” part of the sentence.  You wake from these nightmares feeling all the same stuff you felt right after you lost your spouse.

2)      You find yourself talking to your deceased loved one.  Out loud.  In public places.  Usually, this conversation consists of various curse words, and people look at you like you are a crazy person.  Such outbursts can include, but are not limited to, such phrases as “DAMN you, couldn’t you have waited until this kid was at least potty trained before you left?” or “Look at this kid…this is ALL you.  I never acted like this when I was a kid.”

3)      You find yourself telling the same stories over and over, sometimes to the same people, sometimes to random strangers, and sometimes, when the memories start to fade, you insert slight embellishments to not make yourself look like an ass that is starting to forget things about your deceased spouse. 

4)      When something occurs in your daily life that it just not quite right, out of the ordinary, out of routine, your mind instantly assigns any number of rash explanations for the occurrences, anywhere from injury, accident, to fatal mishap.  Example – you do not get a reply text (or response to a voicemail, for those of you who have not figured out how to text yet) from someone to whom you have asked a question within your allotted acceptable response time for that person – for the babysitter, should be instant.  For a close friend, within 10-15 minutes.  For your landscaper, up to a day.  In such instances of slow response, your mind immediately jumps to one of the following scenarios – someone has died (that’s always the first), someone was maimed, or someone has been kidnapped.  You then - while staring at your phone, texting yourself to make sure your phone is working correctly – have the funeral planned, the list in your head of who to call to notify of the tragedy, and what you are going to wear to the funeral all planned in under 5 minutes.  Or, in the case of the kidnapping, you have pictures of the people printed out and lying by the front door to assure you can hand them off to the FBI, who will be there in under 15 minutes to take your statement and tap your phone for the ransom call.  Then, you get a text back from the person saying “sorry, I was pooping” or something similar, and you resume your daily life.

I am sure there are many more symptoms that I could list, but these are the major ones that I run into quite frequently.  So – if you as a widow are experiencing these symptoms – just know you are not crazy.  You just have PTSC.  There is no cure – you simply have to figure out how to work around it, and accept them as part of your everyday life.  Laugh at yourself and move on. It is all part of your new life as a widow – that “New Normal” that everyone has warned you about.  You can’t change it, but you CAN get through it and learn how to cope with it, hopefully through humor and the attitude that life has handed you lemons, and you sure as hell are gonna make something better than lemonade with it.